fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
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i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
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There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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