I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It's never too late to be topless.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
