If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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