I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she told me i tasted like america
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
