I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
