So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
