at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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