There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
bring money and cleavage
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.