She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
