My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
