How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
