yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
