I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
