a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
