Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
