dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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