yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
