Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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