Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
