How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
