I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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