There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
