Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
