Just cropdusted the office
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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