I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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