Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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