oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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