Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
