I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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