my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
