If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
