I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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