Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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