first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
