do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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