do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
