and she was petting her beer can
im holly from the hills drunk
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
