One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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