why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
