You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My vagina is officially offended.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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