No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
