I puked a lego.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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