Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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