I don't usually arrange sex via text message
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
