I can't watch pbs sober anymore
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Someone came in the potted fern
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
