I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We need to get me chipped asap
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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