If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
