You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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