I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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