why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
