The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
