i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
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