i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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