the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
