Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
