just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
