Soap is not a condiment
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
