She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
