Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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