I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize